New Dirty Jokes of the Day | Best Funny Jokes for Adults

1. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

2. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

3. Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor.

4. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

5. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year.

6. What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

7. What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

8. What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!

9. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

10. What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?

There are twenty of them.

11. What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

12. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lick-a-lotta-puss.

13. What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?

A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

14. What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

15. What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

16. What’s the best part about gardening?

Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

17. How is a girlfriend like a laxative?

They both irritate the shit out of you.

18. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick?

The man.

19. Why do vegetarians give good head?

Beause they’re used to eating nuts.

20. What’s long and hard and full of semen?

A submarine.

21. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years, your job will still suck.

22. Why do walruses love a tupperware party?

They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

23. What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?

Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

24. Why did God give men penises?

So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.

25. What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

26. What did the penis say to the vagina?

Don’t make me come in there!

27. What do a woman and a bar have in common?

Liquor in the front, poker in the back.

28. What’s another name for a vagina?

The box a penis comes in.

29. What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

30. What do you call two jalapeños getting it on?

Fucking hot!

31. How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it.

32. What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check?

Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

33. How is life like a penis?

Your girlfriend makes it hard.

34. Why do women have orgasms?

Just another reason to moan, really.

35. What do you call a guy with a small dick?

Just-in!

36. What do you call a guy with a giant dick?

Phil!

37. What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?

A private tutor.

38. What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed?

A cherry float.

39. Know what a 6.9 is?

Another good thing screwed up by a period.

40. How is sex like a game of bridge?

If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.

41. What do boobs and toys have in common?

They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

42. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?

Beef strokin’ off.

43. What did the O say to the Q?

Dude, your dick’s hanging out.

44. What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?

A trip without kids.

45. What did the sanitary napkin say to the fart?

You are the wind beneath my wings.

46. What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

47. How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

48. How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

49. How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

50. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.

Fart Jokes for Kids

1. I farted at work the other day… And my coworker tried opening the window. It must have been a really bad one — we work on a submarine.
2. What did the poo say to the fart? “You blow me away.”
3. I was at a sophisticated dinner party the other day… When I farted loudly. One of the guests was appalled and said indignantly, “How dare you fart in front of my wife!” So I said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it was her turn.”
4. An old married couple are in church one Sunday… When the woman turns to her husband and says, “I’ve just let out a really long, silent fart. What should I do?”
5. Who are the most dangerous farters in the world? Ninjas. They’re silent but deadly.
6. Did you fart? No, that was my butt blowing you a kiss.
7. What’s invisible and smells like worms? A bird fart.
8. What do you get when a duchess farts? A noble gas.
9. Did you hear about the blind skunk? He fell in love with a fart.
10. Why did the fart miss graduation? It got expelled.
11. What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.

Poop Jokes for Kids

1. Why did the baker have smelly hands? Because he kneaded a poo!
2. What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
3. Why did the cop sit on the toilet? To do his duty.
4. Why didn’t the toilet paper make it across the street? It got stuck in a crack.
5. What did one butt cheek say to the other? “Together, we can stop this crap.”
6. Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom.
7. Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet? To look for Pooh!
8. What did one toilet say to the other? “You look flushed!”
9. How do you help a constipated person? You scare the poop out of them.
10. What did one fly say to the other? “Is this stool taken?”
11. What’s big, brown, and behind the wall? Humpty’s Dump.
12. Knock, knock. Who’s there? / I eat mop. / I eat mop who? / You eat your poo?! Gross!
13. Did you hear about the film Constipated? It never came out.
14. What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea? Salad Shooter.

Pee Jokes for Kids

1. What happened to the fly on the toilet seat? It got peed-off.
2. If you’re American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom? European.
3. Why was the sand wet? Because the sea weed!
4. What do you call a country where everyone is pissed? A urination.
5. Why can’t you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the “p” is silent.
6. This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now I’m afraid to pee.
7. What did Sherif Pee say to the bank robber? “Urine trouble.”

Booger Jokes for Kids

1. What comes out of your nose at 150 mph? Lambogreeny.
2. How do you stop your nose from running? Take away its shoes.
3. What did the booger say to the underside of the desk? “I’m stuck on you.”
4. What did the booger write in its Valentine’s Day card? “I’d pick you first.”
5. What do you call a booger on a diet? Slim Pickins’.
6. What’s a snot rocket’s favorite restaurant? Booger King.
7. Why did the booger cross the road? Because he was being picked on.
8. What’s another name for a snail? A booger wearing a crash helmet.
9. What did the booger say to the finger? “Pick on someone your own size.”
10. What’s the difference between a prince and a booger? A prince is an heir to the throne. A booger is thrown into the air.
11. People keep asking me if I helped elect the booger. I keep telling them he wasn’t my pick.
12. What’s the difference between boogers and broccoli? Kids don’t eat broccoli.
13. What does a booger tell its true love? I’m stuck on you.
14. Which borough was the booger excited to visit? The Boogie Down Bronx.
15. Two snowmen decide to have a cake for dessert. After taking a bite, one snowman spits it out and says it tastes like boogers. The other snowman says, “Well, it is carrot cake.”
16. What do you call a documentary on boogers and snot? Engrossing!

Weiner Jokes for Kids

1. What did the elephant say to the naked man? “How do you breathe through that thing?”
2. A pirate walks into the doctor’s office: Pirate: “Doc, you got to help me. Me ship’s steering wheel is stuck to me crotch.” / Doctor: “So, what’s the problem?” / Pirate: “Doc… it’s driving me nuts!”
3. How does a wiener thank its parents? “Franks a lot!”
4. How does a wiener go camping? In a Wiener-bago.
5. Why was the banana sad after its race? It lost to the eventual wiener.